Why do mattress companies insist on everybody drinking wine and playing with bowling balls in bed?

I hate printers because they can't ever just turn on or off. They have to attempt to be R2D2 anytime they do anything.

I bet for most people the only sexual harassment they encounter at work is during the HR training video for sexual harassment.

I just watched an incredible documentary. As always documentaries are where to find the political landscape at its best. Michael Moore is interesting but there are so many other documentary movie makers that capture such astounding and stirring information about our world.
The one I saw was called "Maxed Out" and its about credit card debt. Came out in either 2006 or 2005. I cried. In the film it talks about how banks and credit card companies DON'T WANT you to pay your debt because they make TONS of money off of late fees and interest rates. Banks and credit cards are literally vampire/zombies.
Any time you see or hear about children getting abused you should naturally feel anger and want to stop this from happening. Because they're the defenseless victim. I feel the same way about people who get sucked into this debt lifestyle where there are countless scams and rapings that go on. The most moving part was when it talked about a few people; college kids and someone's elderly mother who committed suicide due to the weight of the debt they accumulated. SUICIDE due to a credit card. Google it and you can find plenty of cases.
Another reason I'm so angry is because earlier today I saw the author of Obamanomics talking about how Obama is screwing over the middle class and small businesses. This has been going on for a long time but mainly its because everytime the government gets bigger somebody gets rich. When someone gets richer someone gets poorer. The rich got a big bail out. He gave the perfect analogy of someone getting a blood transfusion while they're bleeding to death. It doesn't make sense to save a failing company because that means a company that would come along won't be as able because that failing company is still there. Anyway I encourage you to read it because I loved Obama and now I just think Washington is never going to be redeemed from its sleeping around with Corporations. Its sick. I'm so angry.

People are always drawn to these kinds of self-help-live-your-life-the secret sayings but I'm here to expose their logical fallacies.

• "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do" -Mark Twain

Really? What if you got food poisoning? I think you'd regret eating that burrito. Or what if you got high and got in a car accident? This saying is the kind of thing blowhards say to get you to spend hundreds of dollars on skydiving or bungee jumping. Its not something that should be used in everyday life because its incredibly reckless.

• "Live each day as if it were your last" -Ghandi

NO! This is inherently dangerous because people would either spend time with loved ones and be honest or get crazy drugged up and go on a rampage of stealing and destruction. Its a nice thought to be honest and do things you think are important but life is not about just big acts of self affirmation. If the founding fathers of the United States did this we wouldn't have a country because they'd just be like "Who cares? This is my last day on earth man! I'm going to just pillage some injuns and get piss drunk!" This is a very lazy and apathetic approach to life.

• "Whatever thou art, do well they part" -Unknown

Really? What if you're a pedophile or an alcoholic or murderer? This one is suppose to say "if you like painting then be a good painter" or "if you like doing something constructive then do it well" but it leaves out the part that says "unless its against the law or destructive" so for that reason this doesn't pan out.

• "If something is worth doing, then its worth doing right."

Again this is the same as the last one except for the word "Worth" that stipulates things of value but again it might be worth it to someone to plan a terrorist act so this is also a dangerous saying.

Its funny how the Internet has provided pathways to getting what you want. I call it "Internet Finds a Way" and I stole it from Jurassic Park but said "Internet" instead of "Life" and here are some examples:

• I want movies, music, books, software but I don't have any money- torrents dowloading- Internet finds a way
• I want a life and friends but have nothing to offer- World of Warcraft- Internet finds a way
• I want to play chess but have no partner - online games - Internet finds a way
• I want food but don't want to go to the store- online shopping- Internet finds a way
• I wan to be a writer but don't have a degree or real writing ability- blogs - Internet finds a way

Whatever you want in life you can have in an internet form. It may not be a better version but its convenient.

Pictures of kittens sleeping aren't cute if you imagine that they're not actually sleeping but dead.

Billy Ray looks like a drag queen with a soul patch.

I know its been a while since the big pardon of corporate crooks called a "Bailout" happened but I am just now really considering the whole thing. Lets think about this.

Some people hail corporations as the saviors of human kind. Are they? We could get into that but there are books to explain that in detail like Life Inc.

Well, anyway some people especially on the right hail the corporate enterprises as beautiful symbols of man's ingenuity and accomplishment. They say corporations have given us everything we ever need. Have they?

We have a lot of stuff but do we need it for survival? I won't get all hippie on you but think about how long mankind has been around and how little we actually need to live. Corporations have filled voids that don't always need filling and once we grow dependent on them we are tied to their success. When they are shit out of luck- so are we, and we must somehow sustain our corporation (so we don't actually have to depend on each other to live).

Okay back to the bailout. I don't know all the details but the corporations stopped giving a shit about what we thought. 3 reasons why I say that-

1. Moved the jobs overseas to save money and not deal with regulations. They gave a big screw you to us. They wanted to play cards but didn't deal us into the game. The jobs left and the money to buy their products left.

2. The products weren't selling due to them being crap. They didn't respect what people wanted and thought to give us what they thought we should have. Basic dickhead move of anyone with power. They begin to get lazy with their power and begin just giving us crap. Probably deriving from a feeling of being invincible, untouchable, and insulated.

3. The CEO's had the bargaining chip and the US Government blinked and gave in. The Government didn't want more jobs to leave and thus paid off the CEO's. Us being dependent on corporations for our lives now have no choice but to give them what they want if we want to keep things the way they are. The CEO's could have not been so obviously uncaring if they made better products, kept the jobs here, and not take the money from the tax payers in a bailout they practically stole.

America is bound to the corporate success.

Isn't it odd that the only way to save our country is for us to buy crap corporations tell us we need and If we don't buy it they get a bailout? Even though they moved the jobs overseas and are literally selling crap.

Corporations to American people: "F U! You will buy our stuff either willingly or through your taxes"

Government to American people: "F U! Your work, time and money will go to corporate bonuses either through the invisible hand or our hand."

People to Government and Corporations: "F U! Well okay not sure whatever hey Tiger Woods?"


What can we do? I don't know. I have some ideas.

We're dealing with a machine we are emotionally attached to and depend on to sustain our world. We can't turn it off. The machine can be a good thing but it seems inherently selfish in it's nature. How do we save ourselves from falling into a disaster? One person at a time becoming aware and taking action. Maybe study economics and political science? Maybe move somewhere that won't allow looters to make our decisions for us. Corporations are already respected as persons as far as campaign funding goes. Should we just listen to Rage Against the Machine and occasionally watch Fight Club? I don't know. Maybe just depending on each other but how do we take the power out of the corporation and put it back into the community?
I love this-

It was quite emotional for me when I saw Coco saluting off the Tonight Show. Conan is the voice of this generation's comedy. He has characters like a dog that insults you and threatens to poop on you. As well as a Kermit that throws up and a bear that masturbates. What more could you ask for? How about Will Ferrell, Ben Harper, Beck, ZZ Top, Max Weinberg, a Pregnant Lady, and Conan jamming out to Free Bird? You got it sir. Its so sad to see such a staple and influence of my life just sign off. Whats even worse is that Jay Leno is there! Thats like someone ordering a delicious burrito and then taking one bite of it and then suddenly having it replaced with an corndog that went bad 20 years ago.
Okay let me break down why this whole thing is wrong-
1. Jay Leno left the Tonight Show and had a big "See ya later" but really it was a "See ya sooner" because he jumped to the earlier prime time slot and had a crappy lead in to Coco. Nothing Coco could do about it.
2. Jay Leno agrees to go back to the Tonight Show. What the hell, Jay? Why would you agree to go back after saying this-

3. Coco has had amazing support and ratings since all this has happened. People have never shown that devotion for anyone on late night. Rallying around Coco and joining TeamConan online. With all this NBC still has the audacity to not only spit on the fan's faces but crap on the Tonight Show franchise once again with Jay.

I didn't even know who this idiot was till today, but I recognized her old face from that awful thing called MTV, that gives kids a lesson in being self centered morons.

I'm not in a good mood today. I think its from seeing people like Montag and Paris Hilton that offer no value and yet people value what they have to say. With his deep cut throat investigative skills, Billy Bush is going to get the bottom of the mysteries of Montag's plastic surgeries and possibly shock the world by exposing her as...a moron.

-First of all, Billy shouldn't try to stand on any moral ground.
-Secondly, Billy shouldn't assume that Montag has logic or that Montag is interesting.
-Thridly, Billy makes a good living off of these morons.

Billy brings up her Christian belief, which he discovered by doing some extensive investigating on Twitter. He then tries to connect the dots that God made her and why she would question God on His creation.

Montag then proceeds to show some articulation and explains to us who God is and His motivations concerning Montag. We're now taking cues on the mysteries of the universe from Heidi Montag. Rock bottom.

Also, Billy is showing some hypocrisy by taking the stance of not questioning God's creation while having a make up artist, wardrobe artist, and hair stylist. But, none of that is important because all of this is stupid.

1. What do you really expect to get out of a reality TV star? They get there for being annoying and plastic.

2. Billy Bush has nothing to offer morally.

3. Access Hollywood is not about the craft of movie making or acting but the weight, height, and mood swings of overrated and often intoxicated individuals.

4. Montag said "God gave me extra because he knew what I would be doing and the career and blessing me with such a great doctor..." Her career is...? What part of her career is hers? Did she write or act or work at all to be where she is? Or is she just a rich moron who decided to publicly make a mockery of human beings?

5. Montag said "I feel very plastic" and thats true.

Are you there Obama? Its me, Margaret. Sorry, I mean Booya. We need to blog chat for a minute.
I know you're a historic figure and have a lot of cool things about you (basketball, hawaii, black, young, president) but enough is enough! My friend informed me of a law that was passed that lets corporations donate as much as they want to campaigns. What the Eff?

We might as well let other countries vote in our elections. Companies based in China could donate to a candidate that promises lesser restrictions on Chinese imports. What if China imports communism? Then we'll really have problems. I know I'm getting all Infowars on you but you are not in the White House to break down racial barriers. You're there for the People, right?

Everything you wanted to know about me but were to scared to ask me to draw a pig about-

Long tail! Big ears! I thought my pig was going to indicate I'm possessed with some pig demon by the looks of it. I guess you should always do what you want and then let the ears and tails hang where they will and it will work out. Hallelujah! I have been saved!

Cool lost son of Artie Lange who is Christian due to not being raised by Artie Lange.


Click to enlarge but says something about Satan living on the Sun and the Government obviously knows this. "Pray to keep the fight on Earth!" Why? Shouldn't you pray for peace?


This can only be to what I assume is someone on the way for an audition in the Matrix movies.

I don't think it happened that way.

I'm glad Google was able to help me not only find the answers I am looking for but also the questions that I SHOULD be asking. Mostly gross and prejudice ones.
Why can't I own a Canadian? I never realized that was an option but thanks to Google I realize that they are inferior and should be owned by me.
Its really kind of weird but I am assuming that it goes off of either past inquiries into these questions or sites that are made with these questions optimized into their sites.

I am coming out of retirement on this blog. Just because of recent events I am compelled to comment. I took this picture at children's playplace and saw this man hogging the ride. It reminded me of something topical-


The original picture can be seen here- http://internetphotos.tumblr.com/

I don't trust anyone who buys pants that are more expensive than an iphone.

Love is the soap to wash away loneliness.

Also, in my mind I have this weird thing about the hero not being humiliated. It freaks me out if I am Batman or some secret Op and I'm getting my butt kicked by some guys that aren't even that cool. I feel bad for Batman like I let his reputation get ruined, but who cared about a plumber that killed turtles?

Then there are the games like Guitar Hero/DJ Hero and Rockband where its just data entry. You have all the cool of rock and roll music but really you're just pressing the button of the color on the screen when it tells you to. Thats not rock and roll, man. Thats just tedious chores. Wheres the creativity? Sure those that make the games are pretty creative but all I'm saying is they put you to work.

My father in law is a professor and one of his students sent him a text that said the following:

Mr. _____ i wont be able to make it in to class on time. my mom got mad at my brother, smacked him. they got in a fight and then my little brother thought he would be cool and called the cops on my mom for "phsyical abuse." Dumb ass. So now i have to stay here waiting for the police unless i want them to kill eachother. ...oh and babysitting my 5 month old niece because her mother is another one of my "smart" siblings and got pregnant at age 16.. so she is still in school right now. and the problem is that I THINK WE HAVE A TEST TODAY, so now i would like to know how to make it up or what to do Plus, to top it all off, i have shingles... sorry to vent. not a good day

I liked that this person saw through the little brother's attempt to be cool by calling the cops on an abusive mother. I also liked that this person told her professor that she thinks her little brother is a "dumb ass" and that they think the real problem a possible test.

Wow, you try really hard.

I can't believe YOU did this!

Your hair is looking better.
or
You look pretty good today.

Wow, you read that whole book? Good job.

That was actually pretty good.

Hey this food doesn't taste like crap. I'm shocked!

Another one is calling someone a good thing but then turning around and calling something else the same thing (as seen on Seinfeld "You're breathtaking" to Elaine and ugly baby).

"Exactly" is one of those words you can randomly say, to make people think you're listening or to make people think that you have some unspoken philosophy you're trying to prove. Try it. Next time you're in a conversation just throw in a few words like "Exactly" to make sure the other person knows you are on board with them and have a vision of how things should be.
Examples:

-Hey, so my boss was mad at me today for being a slacker but I'm not a slacker I had to help out the new people.
-Exactly

-That new Bruce Willis movie didn't really do it for me.
-Exactly

-I'm at Walmart. I always wonder why I go here cause I get lost and buy things then remember I had to get something else.
-Exactly

-I want to invest in a horse ranch.
-Exactly

-My 5 yr old likes to say mean things about other people and I wonder if its society's fault.
-Exactly

Sometimes its good to add a "thats what I'm talking about" or now and then so they know that even though you aren't really even saying anything there is a deep seeded belief about something in your brain.

-Today I ate a hamburger and I was like "Hey buddy hold the diarrhea cheese this time and I'm hungry so add extra pastrami!"
-Thats what I'm talking about

-Hey this weather is nice.
-Exactly, thats what I'm talkin about.

-Do you think I should get a tattoo of a monkey trying to steal a baby from the statue of liberty and have the baby say "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!" ?
-Exactly, thats what I'm talkin about!

The only difference between a sweet, thoughtful, loving person and an annoying creep is if the recepient likes or dislikes the person. You may be a loving prince charming, but, if that person doesn't like you, then you are a molester who needs a hint and a restraining order.

Burritos don't make people fat. People make people fat. Stop making me fat, people and let me eat my burritos alone.

A pez dispenser is a way for people to eat a toy's throw up.